"Sgt. Palin of the Yukon"
Return with us to the exciting days of yesteryear when a popular radio adventure was "Sgt. Preston of the Yukon" who appeared weekly with his dog "King." This political parody is dedicated the brave members of the Northwest Mounted Police, fighting crime and injustice in the snow blanketed tundra.
(THEME UP: Organ plays "Flight of the Valkyries" by Wagner)
(EXT. YUKON TERRITORY. As a snowstorm rages, a dog sled approaching in the distance plows toward us through banks of freshly-fallen snow. We make out a Mountie in uniform driving the dogs, her faithful husky "Stub" by her side.)
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) Gather 'round, kiddies! It's time once again for another action-packed episode of... "SERGEANT PALIN OF THE YUKON"! (Music fades)
When we left her last time, Sgt. Palin had to interrupt her ongoing investigation of Ted "Ca-Ching" Stevens, manager of the General Store, whom she suspects is bilking innocent trappers out of their hard-earned pelt profits. She had received an emergency message by carrier-eagle that her boss, Chief Inspector McCann, was about to pay a surprise visit. We join her now as she awaits his arrival...
(CUT TO: INT. LOG CABIN. Typical Yukon decorator touches: hanging on the walls are snow shoes, ice skates, skis, poles, iron traps, a sled, beaver pelts, etc. We find Sgt. Palin lounging on the couch. She wears an Armani apre-ski outfit with sergeant stripes on the sleeve. Stub naps on the polar bearskin rug in front of the fireplace. Palin finishes her beer, crushes the can and adds it to the pile of empties. She tosses another log on the fire and, adjusting its rabbit ears, snaps on the TV.)
(SFX: Theme from "Saturday Night Live.")
PALIN (studies screen) Will you look at that, Stub? Tina Fey is still doing me. I wish she'd move on to Carolyn Kennedy. (turns TV off)
(SFX: Knock on the door.)
PALIN (Yells) Hold your mukluks! I'm coming!
(She opens the door and a blizzard of snow blows in. From the billow of white, Inspector Ian McCann, an elderly, white-haired civil servant obviously several years past retirement age, emerges. He stamps his feet to dislodge the ice from his boots and brushes snowflakes off of his down parka. Palin snaps to attention and salutes.)
PALIN Welcome, sir! I'm pleased as punch that a man of your busyness would see fit to visit my humble --
McCANN Oh, stow it, Sergeant. I don't have much time. My rental sleigh is double-parked.
(She takes his coat and he moves to the fireplace to warm his fingers.)
McCANN Do you know that the bridge outside town is out?
PALIN Yeah, but we don't worry about it. Bridges up here never go anywhere.
McCANN I suppose you know why I've come.
PALIN (Excited) Wait! Let me guess. To give me a citation for exposing Exxon, Shell and Mobile for failing to drill offshore?
PALIN Oh, then I must be getting a promotion for charging that school marm with felony failure to teach intelligent design.
McCANN No again. (Removes papers from his pocket) HQ has sent me these... uh... inquiries.
PALIN Inquiries? What are --
McCANN They're written questions. They want to know how you managed to exceed your department uniform allowance by a hundred and fifty-thousand dollars.
PALIN I can explain that. I needed the clothes for a special assignment. Besides, I didn't keep the uniforms. I gave them back. (pause) Well, I didn't give them back exactly... I donated them.
McCANN Donated them? Who to?
PALIN Ann Coulter. See, her new book hasn't been selling and I thought --
McCANN You thought. You thought. (reads) How about this? Six thousand dollars for a pair of designer eyeglasses. Where do you shop, "Lens Shafters?"
PALIN Eye wear is more expensive up here. They have to carve the frames out of moose antler.
McCANN And I suppose you can explain spending twenty thousand dollars for magazine subscriptions? (reads) "Trailer Park Life"? "Bride and Shotgun Groom"? "Turkey Slaughterhouse Monthly"? "Assault Rifle Aficionado"?
PALIN I had a lot of back issues to catch up on.
McCANN Tell me, Palin, do you think it'll be easy to convince HQ that you actually needed all this stuff?
PALIN Why not? You convinced them that you needed thirteen houses.
McCANN Well... now that you put it that way. Maybe I could put in a word --
PALIN That's the spirit, Chief. I knew you'd back me up.
McCANN (moves to telescope near window) But tell me, Palin, can you really see Russia from here?
PALIN Are you kidding? I just said that to get Katie Courier off my back.
McCANN (points to telescope) Then why do you need this?
PALIN To spy on my next door neighbor. He's a liberal and I think he's considering a run for Congress.
McCANN (pats her on the back) Good work, Sergeant! (beat) And you do know that Africa's a continent, don't you?
PALIN Of course. (beat) Like China.
(On McCann's look, we:)
ANNOUNCER: Tune in next time when we'll hear Sgt Palin say (Palin V.O.) ... "Chief, would you like to learn how to draw and quarter an elk?" Next time on "SERGEANT PALIN OF THE YUKON"!
(c) Copyright 2009 by Robert L. Mills (All Rights Reserved)